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Thursday, August 04, 2005

Mr. Right

Does Mr. Right exist? Is he out there somewhere? Will I find him?
Mr. Right is a key subject for many women and an inspiration of hope on a daily basis. Yes he may well exist, yes he is probably out there and yes you WILL find him! Of course in all our lives we have goals, aims, ambitions and desires small and large. It is these landmarks and goalposts that keep us positive and busy. It is what makes us human. In recent years the terms Mr. Right and Miss Right have become over used and devalued. Almost as if we have a chart on our wall , an extensive tick list, a resume of specifics that the person in question must submit to get his foot through the door of the "potentials" interview.
Most of us would deny we are that bad and hope that chance will take a hand in bringing Mr. Right to us. Yes we accept that we have a small but insignificant "list" and yes we accept that there are some 'definites' on it which are nonnegotiable, but they are fairly minor. Or are they? The fact of the matter is that as the decades have passed by, we have become far more sophisticated, as humans, as individuals, as lovers and mates. We know how to orgasm, we have a good salary and a nice home and are well educated in the ways of the world. Therefore it is only fair that we seek someone to match, to fit in, to adapt, to accompany, to facilitate. And there lays the issue.
The fact is that Mr. Right also has a tick list, an agenda, only a small one of course, but a list all the same, and he is ticking off your assets as we speak. He wants someone young, someone well educated, someone good looking and in shape. We are indignant, how shallow we cry. Typical man we sigh. Yet are we any better? Look at your list and look very carefully at what or who constitutes your Mr. Right. And then look again. Are you sure first of all that your tick list is achievable? Yes, or are you willing to negotiate? Okay so you are happy with your list. Then what?
Well now, are you willing to go out and get your Mr. Right or are you waiting for him to come to you? Many women tell me they are waiting for Mr. Right. The word "waiting" concerns me. By waiting it means men come to you by chance, perhaps by design and you tick off their assets, your check them out and then cast off anyone who doesn't match your list. Maybe you do, but remember this my friends, Mr. Right is looking for his Miss Right? How much work have you put into being Miss Right or should he accept you as you are and fit in around you? If he did slot in to your life would he really be Mr. Right or an accouterment, an asset, a trinket that you would get bored of?
The thing I am asked by eligible men more than anything these days is, "where have all the nice girls gone". Think about those words carefully. These men are not asking where the doormats went, the punch bags, the housewife slaves. Not at all. No what they are asking is where all the women went who don't have a huge checklist as long as their admittedly muscular arms. Most men simply want someone to love, someone who they can dote on in their own ways and who they can feel special and share with. The problem for them is that they are not finding it because they are constantly under 'resume-pressure'. They are told they must adapt and fit in, they are trying to fulfill their part of the list bargain and then they are faced with the Miss Rights out there.
As a potential Miss Right you owe it to yourself to complete a few tasks. Take a long hard look at your list and ask yourself exactly how flexible you are being. Secondly look at who your Mr. Right is and how truthfully obtainable they are. Thirdly, don't kid yourself about your own potentials but don't compromise on ideals either. Fourthly, bring yourself out into the open and go after your Mr. Right.
Don't play the waiting game because you do not want to spend the rest of your life knowing your Mr. Perfect is married to someone else when he could have been yours. And finally, compromise is the key in reality, for all the things Mr. right must be, try and balance that with attempting to be something your Mr. Right doesn't want to miss.

Dating Etiquette

When you begin dating, you must recognize that there are some major rules of thumb to follow that will help you be successful with others. When I write these kind of lists I often feel like I am a teacher restating the basics; but the truth is we all forget from time to time. Dating is about two people coming together to see whether they are compatible and then enjoying each other's company so that they may move towards forming a close bond. In doing so there are things that you should remember.
Dating should always be fun and it is as much your responsibility to ensure it is. When you are dating ensure that you do everything you can to make the meeting enjoyable.
Eye contact is crucial when dating so it is good etiquette to provide as much attention as possible to your date. They should feel that they are the only person in the room. If you use the date as an excuse for general partying you failed.
You will be courteous and complimentary. Your date has made an effort for you and your personal opinions are not welcome at this stage.
As a man you must never talk to a woman's breasts. They hate it. Being appreciated for her feminine charms is one thing, but talking to her breasts is down right rude and is not acceptable, so hold her gaze throughout.
You will always turn up for a date unless you have given enough time for it to be canceled. Standing someone up is not acceptable adult behavior, and shows contempt for your prospective date by wasting their time. This kind of arrogance is detestable.
You will always turn up on time and not keep your date waiting. If the transport is unreliable set off in good time. Being punctual shows respect for your date and illustrates how organized you are.
You will not be flash or extravagant. These are the domain of the classless rich who impress with their wealth. It shows no taste whatsoever to throw your credit card about and entertain with champagne unless you are simply after cheap thrills.
Smoking and drinking copious amounts on dates are no good unless the love of both is shared by both parties. Smoking in a restaurant will do nothing for your image and shows crass disregard for others.
You will not be opinionated or arrogant on a date and you will try to avoid discussions on politics and religion in the early stages. You may be very opinionated on certain topics and maybe for good reason but that does not mean you are right. You will come across badly to your date of you act like this. Arrogance makes most people feel uncomfortable so avoid at all costs.
You will never argue or be rude to others on a date, it simply is not acceptable. You are trying to show your good side so arguing over service charge or whether the wine is chilled enough will make you look a fool. Arguing with a waiter is a huge no-no.
You will be a listener and not talk your date to death, particularly if you are male. Listening shows interest and the ability to compromise. If your idea of a date is talking about yourself and your opinions all night then do the world a favor and stay at home alone.
You will make an effort to dress well. In this day and age there is absolutely no excuse to look bad. Poor dress sense shows laziness and will do nothing to promote you. Furthermore it shows a lack of respect for your date who has made an effort.
You will make an effort to be fresh and smell good. I cannot believe I have to mention hygiene to men (and the odd woman !) so frequently. You should be shaven, bathed and smell very good. It costs nothing except a bottle of good quality cologne and some shower gel.
You will never swear and use uncouth language as you will come across as an idiot. Leave street talk to later. If you want to find the girl of your dreams, then treat her with respect. Women are able to use strong language in more effective subtle ways but even so, leave it on the first date if possible.
Never ever will you discuss your ex dates or how many people you have slept with. This is the domain of enigma. As a man, you will not be encouraged to discuss sex however hard she tries to provoke you. Ignore this message at your peril as I know what I am talking about. The longer you sustain the mystery the better your chances.
If you don't like your date then don't be quick to give them a hard time. They are human beings like you and they deserve always to be treated with respect. You can and will have a good time with someone you are not attracted to, so treating someone badly because they are not your type is not acceptable behavior. Rudeness is not allowed.
You will never tell lies on a date either to get someone into bed or to promote yourself because you WILL get found out. Maybe not now but probably when it is too late. Tell the truth or avoid a subject if necessary.
As a man you will pay the bill on the first date without question and you will not discuss money openly at this stage. Money discussions are crass and lack sophistication.
You will ensure your date feels comfortable at all times and encourage their feelings of comfort if you detect any signals of being uncomfortable. You will also ensure that your date gets home safely in a cab etc.
You will never try and sleep with your date on the first occasion but any method. Sex comes later my friend, no arguments. If you do sleep with them on the first date, the chances are it is over before it began.
You will make sure you are as entertaining and witty as possible and will not reply on alcohol to see you through. Getting wasted on a date shows no respect whatsoever and makes a mockery of the whole situation.
You will call when you promise to call and not keep someone hanging on. If you don't like your date then don't falsely promise anything or leave the door open. Again this shows a great disrespect for your date if you do. Waiting for the phone to ring has long term repercussions.
And finally, you will NEVER date and pretend to be single when you are not. The line to your companion late in the evening "well I am kind of seeing someone" makes me personally seethe. Go dating when you are single and not until.

Vacation Tips

Going on your first vacation together will be one of the most stressful things you ever do. It is akin to death, moving house and childbirth. Expectations are high, you are both having sudden doubts as to the validity of this decisions and once you get wherever you are going, there will only be the two of you to focus on. Very quickly it will turn into the perfect vacation, or the vacation from hell and it is down to both of you as to which way it can go. Being isolated together in a foreign situation polarizes thought and beliefs and behavior. It can illuminate the smallest worrying traits in you and your partner and it will put under the microscope every fine detail of your planning skills. Once you have checked into your villa or room you will soon find out what you both truly like doing and how you both behave as a couple.
You may be thinking that you are in for a fortnight of sex in the surf with fine wines and relaxation only to discover your partner gets travel sick, has an obsession with tanning, hates sightseeing and can't hold their drink. On the other hand your partner may be the perfect companion and love and romance blossoms stronger than ever.
Many are the relationships that have foundered on the rocks of a first vacation together so some planning is involved, some adjustment, tons of compromise and a fantastic sense of humor to get through it. If you both come out of it successfully you may end up being a couple for life. If you fail, then better now than after the church ceremony.
Lower your vacation stress levels with the following tips:
Your first vacation together may be better as an extended weekend in another city and a fortnight in the sun
Make sure that selecting the first vacation is a joint exercise that is shared and is fun
Don't rush into having a first vacation together. Timing is essential as vacation time is limited
Make sure your expectations are realistic in advance of the vacation. If you are expecting heaven in the surf, you could be opening yourself up to disappointment
Ensure you have a high tolerance threshold and are open to many suggestions
Be relaxed but prepared when making vacation arrangements
Ensure the destination is one you are both more than comfortable with. A one-sided vacation plan will remain so
Do NOT go on vacation too soon after meeting. You need to have become used to the person you are travelling with. This is essential if you are not to have a roving eye round the pool
Do communicate in vast amounts before departing to ensure you are both on the same wavelength about what this vacation is all about
Do retain your romantic outlook from the moment you depart to the moment you arrive back. Just because you are on vacation does not mean you switch off
Do ensure you are personally well packed and prepared prior to the trip and do not rely on your partner making all the arrangements
Ensure the room you have booked has a double bed and not twin beds
Ensure you know something about your destination before setting up. Forearmed is forewarned. Surprising your partner is as necessary on vacation as at home.
Ensure that you know about any doubts or worries you partner has prior to the vacation and ensure they are reassured throughout
On vacation do show each other special attention throughout. The rest of the world doesn't matter whilst you relax together
A vacation should NOT spring unpleasant surprises so make sure you partner knows any dark secrets well in advance. If you are allergic to sunlight , make sure that is known in advance
If you can't swim or ski start learning now and assist your partner if you can
Be careful about too much alcohol on vacation. It can lead to many arguments
Flirting on holiday is a complete no go area. Don't even think about it
Do join water sports or classes together. Teach your date to ski if you are better than them, and make things a partnership
Do recognize that just because this is your first vacation together does not mean you live in each other's pockets 24 hours a day. Give each other some space when you sense it
Communicate, communicate, communicate
Select restaurants that are romantic and that are suited to both tastes. If necessary, compromise
Lose every selfish bone in your body
You are not joined at the hip so be prepared for some individual expression
Jealousy and possessiveness will not help your vacation so be open-minded and humorous
Be relaxed and entertaining and forget about home-life for a while
Don't go clubbing when your partner is tired. Spend relaxing times together and be considerate
Whatever happens you will display some hidden traits and so will they, take it all as part of the vacation experience. Things are not the same on vacation as at home
Make sure that you do only the things you can both afford and don't put your partner at financial risk by provoking them to spend more than they can afford
Pay for your first vacation separately out of your own funds if it feels right
Remember why you are going on vacation together in the first place. To spend time with each other in an ideal location to have fun together
Do not criticize how much your female partner has brought with her by way of clothes and shoes. I she needs 28 sun dresses and 15 pairs of shoes that is entirely fine
Your first vacation together is not a honeymoon
Finally, it is your responsibility as much as theirs to ensure you have so much fun it is the perfect holiday so never ever start blaming him/her for things out-with your control
Do not use a vacation situation to get too intense. Lay back and enjoy the sun

Dating and Fear - What to Do

More than anything else, fear when dating will get you off to a bad start. Your date can sense that you are scared a mile away. It shows, it comes across and it is hard to disguise. Fear makes the person on the receiving end feel unattractive and unsteady. It makes them not want to be in this situation with you and you will find that rejection comes quickly. It is a viscous circle because the reason often why you will feel fear is because you fear rejection.
Fear of rejection is debilitating. It prevents you from functioning properly. It affects your movements and speech and most certainly prevents you from displaying the glorious aspects of your relaxed character. You are uptight so you can't talk fluently, your words come out all wrong, you don't come across properly. In some circumstances I have seen people come across as aggressive merely because they were frightened of being rejected.
We want to be loved, we want to be liked, we want to attract, we want to be popular and we want to succeed in the things we try. But something inside us tells us in advance of our actions that we are going to fail. The girl we approach won't like us and she will reject our advances so we are not sure why we will try, but we will. The problem with this approach is that your fear shows through already, so its not you who is allowing you to be rejected, but that your fear of rejection is in itself causing the rejection to happen.
What is lacking here my friends is confidence. If your confidence levels are up - you are on form. You are interesting as well as interested. You are smiling and you can take a joke. You can approach and have fun and make light of any situation. In turn this makes the person you have approached feel relaxed in your company and able to judge how your character truly comes across. If you make someone laugh, you have them interested already. If you are frightened you will cease up.
Now I know how fear of rejection can be because I have felt this way. I see a beautiful girl and she is waiting to be approached. She has caught my eye and she appears receptive. However, I would either not approach or if I did it would take me so long that the moment had passed and she could already tell that I was scared. In a previous article I spelled it out for guys, one of the most attractive qualities in a man is confidence. You cannot become confident overnight and using drugs and alcohol to assist is a huge mistake. What you can do is look at how you can change things you don't like about yourself to increase your confidence levels.
You may fear rejection because you have been rejected so many times already. In which case you are already scared. Well it is true that dating is a numbers game and that eventually someone will say yes, but then perhaps you are introducing yourself to the wrong type of girls in the wrong way. If you use chat-up lines, stop instantly and start being more natural.
Interestingly there is a recent report in the London Times* relating to a study by the Social Issues Research center in Oxford as to why men get their approach wrong so often and mistake the signals women give out which may assist in dealing with the fear of rejection. Men often mistake the signs of friendliness from a woman as an overture for something else when this is not what is actually happening. If you are scared of being rejected yet again after making a pass at a woman there may be a very good reason. Women appear to be sending out very subtle but misleading flirtatious signals known as "proteans".
The man will read this "proteans" as flirtatious signals giving him the green light to act. However the woman is in fact assessing and working out whether you are a suitable mate or not. All potential suitors are interrogated through these signals in the same way. When you first meet a prospective date she will bombard you for the first few minutes with many confusing protean signals (named after the Greek river god Proteus who was able to change his form to evade enemies !). These ambiguous signals confuse the man allowing women to gain the upper hand by finding out what the man is truly like very quickly. Because of this, it is hardly surprising therefore that men become confused and consequently face rejection.
The most surprising outcome from the study was that in two-thirds of cases, the opening flirtatious gambit was initiated by the woman , most likely through a flirtatious gaze, repeated to attract your attention. It goes to prove therefore what I always believed, in that when you enter the room the woman has already decided whether you area good candidate or not, even if you are led to believe it was all your idea. Men appear to make the approach but it is in fact the woman using very very subtle techniques.
This survey and general information on this subject is significant because it helps us understand and combat our fear of rejection. Women in modern society are able and willing to make the move for partners they like. Women are not wallflowers. If we are to readily accept findings like those above then we should consider that we are being tested in our initial approach and that it is clear fear will make us fail from the outset. So its critical that you deal with your confidence levels in advance of an approach.
What is also important to add is that we have heard it said that women hate to be ignored and can find a man more attractive initially if men are not fawning all over them. This must be highly linked to these protean signals. The woman is checking you out as a potential mate but you are not reciprocating. If you are not displaying fear, but nonchalance or disinterest, this may confuse the woman and increase her interest in you. We can categorize this behavior as a game, and it most certainly is a game of courtship yes.
Fear in dating has to be dealt with, it will not assist you in meeting the person of your dreams. It is almost always linked to how you view yourself in terms of looks and skills and almost all of these issues can be dealt with. If you increase your confidence levels and then combine this with a sensible approach to who you approach then your success rate in the initial approach will soar. If you combine this with pre-armed knowledge that you will be bombarded with confusing signals you can decide that rejection is all part of the natural dating game and isn't so serious after all. Have fun and don't fear.

Dating Tips

The problem with the dating game is that there are dating rules to follow and most of them we forget as we grow older. You see, when we are young our fellow friends at school and college reinforce the way things should be done when dealing with potential dates. Yes you should wear that, no you never say that, yes you should do this, but no you never do that. Then we grow up. For a time we are completely aware of the rules of dating and we practice those rules every time we meet someone. But then we meet someone perhaps, fall in love and have a relationship. Little by little the things we learned over our formative years when dealing with the fairer sex are lost and are in fact unlearned.

Then one day we are unwillingly thrust back onto the dating scene only to find that we start behaving like 12 year olds. We call our dates too often, we are constantly available, we wear the wrong clothes, laugh at bad jokes like a fool, date the wrong people and generally get it all badly wrong. Then we get hurt or taken for a ride. Of course there will be some of you reading this that are the very epitome of dating sophistication, but the truth is, when you lose your heart you also lose your head. If you are going to date well then give these key do's and don'ts of dating some serious consideration. Dating rules are very important if you want to win and keep your perfect match.


Dating Rules - Do's

1. Do try to look your best and be punctual on dates

2. Do have fun when dating. I know the subject of Mr. or Miss Right is serious but dating is fun too so keep it that way.

3. Do flatter and compliment your date on the way they look and the things they wear. People tend to go to a lot of effort on a date (hopefully) so being told that you are looking good is a nice thing to hear.

4. Be interested and interesting. As the Pet Shop Boys once said, I was never bored because I was never being boring" or something similar. You get my drift.

5. Do tell someone if you are not interested in dating them again. Being lied to and hopes kept alive is an evil and malicious act (yes I mean it that strongly). If you don't want to see someone again then let them know that in the nicest possible way you can.

6. Do date the type of people you like and are attracted to, whatever your friends may say. Approval by your peers doesn't prove a thing.

7. Do stay positive even when dates don't end well. It is most certainly true that you will date a few frogs before you find a prince. Along the way you will meet some nice people too and make some good contacts possibly.

8. Dating is a creative diversion, it requires concentration and energy so when you are dating keep some plans in the forefront of your mind and allow dating to take you to places you always wanted to visit within your own city.

9. Do make dating happen for yourself. People will not come and ring your bell from nowhere. Dating requires positive action so go out there and meet people, as many people as you can. Practice your chat and flirting on shop workers, bar attendants, anywhere and everywhere. Being nice to people is very sexy and great fun.

10. Do surround yourself with positive like minded people who are also dating. Think about the girls from Sex and the City and how they assist each other in dating and matters of romance. Negative friends who don't condone the dating scene or don't understand it will only help lower your own expectations and make you feel negative.

Dating Rules - Don'ts

1. Never call someone more than once a day unless they reply. Desperation and instability are huge turn offs.

2. Don't date the people who you usually find dump you. You may be generally attracted to bastards but that will not get you anywhere except hurt.

3. For men, never ever be late for a date, even if you have a very good reason. Women should never be kept waiting and should never have to seat themselves - ever.

4. Never tell lies to your date or pretend anything about your life that isn't true. If this is your perfect match for God's sake do not allow it to be ruined by some silly lie told early on.

5. Never be too available. Being available every night of the week and at the end of every whimsical phone call or possible rendezvous means you are making yourself uninteresting and a possible doormat. Be busy, be unavailable generally and be interesting.

6. Don't give away too much about yourself at the start. People love enigma and mystery. Revealing to your new date your inner most secrets on date number two will quickly ruin everything. A small bit at a time people.

7. Never check other people out when you are with your date. You may think you are subtle , your date will be heading for the door. Have the courtesy of concentrating solely on your date when you are with them.

8. Don't be rude or get drunk on a date. Courtesy and manners will get you everywhere.

9. Don't ignore your personal safety when dating. Have a cellular phone and keep it charged, tell your friends where you are going and be safe. Date at first in well known public places and never ever be pushed into anything you are not happy with.

10. Don't give out personal information like home phone numbers and addresses on a first date. Keep them until you are sure of your date and the future possibilities.

11. Don't have sex on a first date if you ever want to see your new date again. If you like them and are interested in them, sex on a first date will usually ruin everything. Its too much too soon and is not the way of romance. Believe me I am 100% certain on this.

12. Never date a married person. They will not leave their husbands or wives for you (except exceptionally rarely). Married dating is the sure fire way to misery, lies, deceit, lack of self respect and loss of romance. If you are married, separate first. If you are single, don't be a shoulder to cry on, you deserve far better.

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Monday, July 04, 2005

Power Dating

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